Why I don’t mind having BPD

*may contain triggers*

I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) in May 2005 after having had a breakdown in November 2004. I was referred to the local Therapeutic Community and after two years at three days a week I was much better. I had two more children, launched my own business and managed my BPD on the whole for nine years. I actually thought I was just a bit low in September and it gradually got worse until after Christmas I started self harming again to try and shut up the noisy intrusive thoughts. I took an overdose about a ten days ago to shut up my head for good. It seemed a logical step at the time! Thank God I’ve not wrecked my liver. So as you can tell it’s tough at the moment. I’ve got through this before and at this moment I feel I could beat it again. In a few minutes my mood may have plummeted and I may feel very different.

When my mind is not busy with intrusive thoughts it is extremely creative, passionate and empathetic. I have a successful business to show for that.  If I do something I do it wholeheartedly.

The picture is of a mirror I made. The pieces of pots were found on a beach in Cumbria. The heavy storms of storm Desmond had uncovered an old rubbish dump on a beach. They were just muddy pieces of broken pots but to me the colours were beautiful, and even in their brokeness they could be beautiful again.  As I created the mirror I thought of a song

“You have taken the precious from the worthless and given me,

Beauty for ashes, love for hate.

You have taken the weak things of this world to shame that which is strong,

and the foolish things to shame the wise”

As I made the mirror I knew the title was Beauty for brokeness. The bible is full of broken people who go on to great things, think Joseph, King David and Tamar who  does through hell but is part of Jesus lineage.