So this, some muddled thoughts is actually me just trying to get my head around something which is bothering me so read or not, it’s up to you.
When I am unwell My life is run by strong emotions, taking over clouding my thoughts.
I’ve discovered that the strong emotion linked to sex is strong enough to cover the intrusive thoughts of self harm and suicide. I can loose myself in sex and feel much better. It is quite addictive to be honest. Thank God my hubby is keeping up.
My biggest issue is as a Christian going to church the sexy chats I have and current sex obsession would be frowned upon so I feel a certain amount of guilt about it which triggers strong emotions and back to square one.
The reality sex is the one thing I have found that helps me (next to nothing else out there when I looked support wise) I do not want to stop something that is helpful to me. Part of me wants not to give a fuck what they think but church has been a big part of my life for so long (25 yrs). I felt at points it kept me anchored when life was stormy gave me hope that no matter how shit life was there was a better future ahead. The rules helped me to know how to live and what to do. I loved (and still love to) sing as part of the congregation. Singing always helps my mood.
I’m starting to realise, following rules and doing what others expect of me has dominated my life for so long and that irritates me. I want to be brave enough to do what I think is the right thing, not what is prescribed to me by others.
The reality at the moment is I feel a bit stuck between a rock and a hard place. I love sex and it helps me but part of me still feels it is dirty.
Yes, I know this is not logical, my thoughts rarely make sense.