Reflections on Christmas

I hate it when the days get shorter and the nights get longer, so the sparkling lights of Christmas bring some light and hope and magic into this time of year. This is a collection of my Christmas memories.

A few years ago I was heavily pregnant at this time of year and used to take my daughter walks in the buggy as soon as it got dark to see the lights on the houses nearby. Some were amazing lit from the roof down to the garden. I found it as magical as my children did.

I LOVE to sing Christmas Carols and will go along to every Carol Concert I can make and sing my heart out.

As a child, we often used to stay at my Grandmas on Christmas Eve and I used to love to go along to the Chapel midnight service and we would finish with “O come all ye Faithful” on the steps outside.

One year, aged about 10, I had to have emergency surgery on my hip and they thought I would have to stay in over Christmas, but they managed to let me out early. I was bundled into the car to go to my grandma and grandad’s an hour away. I was on crutches and remember sitting in the same high backed chair all day so I could get up easily.

The anticipation of the presents was and is so often the best bit. I love to give gifts and watching other open them is actually my most favourite part.

I have some really lovely memories of time with my parents as well as some very dark scary ones. I’m trying to reconcile that at the moment. It irritates me that feeling from my childhood so long ago still interfere with my life now. I guess that is part of my mental health problems. I wish I could just move on but It’s not so easy. Fuck knows what is going on in my head. I’ve an appointment on Wednesday to start a mentalisation course which is to do with joining up thoughts and feelings. Making sense of thoughts beliefs  wishes and feelings and link to our actions and behaviours. If I can get into it it sounds brilliant, but we’ll see.

This blog is a bit all over the place as are my thoughts mainly. I’ll finish with my favourite Christmas memory…

One Christmas eve. A few years ago I went into labour with my daughter. Try as I might to slow it down she arrived at 6:30 on Christmas morning and I was blessed to have her at home, two midwives came along and were wonderful. We had the Carol Symphony playing, presents under the tree and I gave birth to my youngest child just yards away. She it without doubt my favourite ever Christmas present.

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