I HATE Psychotherapy!

I’ve been battling since January to get any mental health support. A few months ago I was really pleased to be offered six weeks of psychotherapy. I thought that was really good and was distraught when I came to the final session last week. I was over the moon to hear the situation had changed and I could have a further twelve sessions.

I quickly changed my mind today though. It was bloody painful, and I HATE PSYCHOTHERAPY.

On Sunday I was editing a really personal story to feature on the blog. It actually required a little translation from another language so I had to try and get into the mind of the author to understand how he was thinking and feeling, in order to best put that across. The subject matter was really close to my heart and my current struggles. I would often try to distract from these difficult feelings but I could not do that whilst editing the blog. (Thank God my family were around). I sat with the difficult, conflicting feelings for about three hours. It was hard and painful. This is what I ended up discussing with my psychotherapist today.

His conclusion was that I need to actually examine how I am feeling instead of running away from it. He even suggested I could be honest with my friends about how I am feeling. Shit! That is a VERY scary idea.

I set up my blog as a place to be able to honest about how I am feeling. I’m starting to regret that now…
As I have come across other’s amazing stories I’ve wanted to share that too. It never occurred to me that it would mean I had to think about how I feel. Shit! Bad planning on my part. I feel like I have painted myself into a corner, though part of me realises it is for my my own good in the long term.

I’ve a lot of lovely friends who have said I can talk to them but, in reality I’m too scared to do it.

How do you manage difficult emotions?

7 thoughts on “I HATE Psychotherapy!

  • April 20th, 2017 at 2:30 pm

    Oh, I know how you feel about and I had the same, when I did my first sessions. Terrible – the other point is, that nobody will ever understand you, if you are not trying to describe what happens to you. Some of us can do it easily, because they find words for, others will have problems with that. But many people can´t follow you, because they don´t know how you feel and often they need the describtion of emotions, before you can bring in some logical thoughts. And i guess most of us knows, we are often not logical but everybody will understand, if I describe how it feels to cry day and night and how it feels if circle thoughts keeping you away from thinking and how they ruin your life, because every 5 seconds the same thought is coming like a broken record. The logic behind we don´t know. Why our brain is doing that? We cannot explain.. but we can explain, how reliefed we feel after drinking one bottle of wine, because this stopped the circle thoughts and so on. … My motivation for doing what I am doing is still not understood by everybody, thats why I had to sit down again and describing what is driving me …… Don´t hate the psychotherapy and forget the thought: leave my head – no they are a helpfull pain in the ass, but it´s taking time to see that. Without them, I would be dead 🙂

    • April 25th, 2017 at 11:12 am

      Hi Mario
      Thanks for listening to my rant.
      I know it is so beneficial but I hate to face my feelings so it is always a battle. I persuade myself I must get better form my family and that keeps me going at the moment.
      Bis bald

  • April 20th, 2017 at 8:25 pm

    Oohh! I was reading this nodding along.

    So it sounds like you’ve come so far in psychotherapy, and you’re realising that you’re going to have to examine how you’re feeling a bit more. I can understand that, obviously, you’ve done some of that in psychotherapy already – or perhaps you were building up to it – and now it sounds like you’re feeling overfaced by the idea of sharing your feelings – particularly on a blog.

    I find sharing my feelings really difficult, so I know where you’re coming from in that sense. Sometimes the idea that I’m a terrible person is so pervasive that I panic in my head, and I have to sort of ask the people around me for a bit of back up or support – like checking how I’m thinking and feeling – so I can feel like I’m putting on other people.

    Some people don’t like it; some people don’t want to talk about their emotions too much. Like my dad. But there are some people in your life who do want to talk about how they’re feeling, and maybe need the same kind of support you need. I get this from my best friend who also has BPD.

    There’s so much going on in your head with BPD, that you need to have that space to talk to people, and to explore how you’re feeling, and to learn how not to be afraid of your own emotions. It’s fucking hard, because with BPD, you keep so much locked inside for so many years in order not to explode, or worry people, or be “too much” or whatever else – or I know a lot of people do – and it’s hard to know how much you can/should/need to let out, but it will get easier the more you do it.

    Allow yourself to make mistakes. All your emotions are valid, or you wouldn’t be having them; but by talking about your emotions, you can examine the underlying reasons as to why you feel a particular way, perhaps see something from another person’s perspective, and your feelings on the situation might change. That’s the only way we can change negative emotions really, but if you’re anything like me, you’re scared to just in case a certain way you’re feeling, in your head, gives you the confirmation of all your worst fears about yourself: that you’re somehow bad.

    But you’re not!

    You’re clearly really enthusiastic about treatment, and want to get better, but you’re finding this a bit hard, and that’s totally understandable. You’re being asked to bear your soul in a way you’re not used to, and it’ll take time, and some trials and tribulations, for you to become comfortable with that.

    I’d start small. You can explore how you’re feeling online (I sometimes try it), but you have to be prepared for the response. Not everyone understands BPD and might be a bit flippant; and not everyone’s BPD is the same, so I might’ve inadvertently said something that is wrong for me to say to you in a way. It’s because they’re people you don’t know.

    But, if you talk to the people around you – say you’re in some kind of distress, learn to recognise it a bit more and think about how you might approach talking about that to one of your close friends.

    Are you in touch with other people with BPD? That peer response is absolutely vital for recovery in my opinion, because there are people with BPD out there who are in exactly your position and you can work with them, in your own time, to get comfortable with learning to deal with your feelings: that’s what it’s all about.

    Don’t be scared of your own soul. You’re not a bad person. Let yourself speak exploratively with people you trust. People who won’t judge you, who know you’re coming from a good place of wanting to sort things out in your head – they’re not going to judge you. Not people who matter. And if you’re worried about being too much for them, set boundaries; set a time each week where you can go and see a friend, possibly with BPD (if you can), where you can talk about all of these things. What struggles you’re having at the moment and how you feel about therapy.

    That’s what I’m doing. Still waiting on DBT which I think is gonna be best for me (but if group isn’t your thing, there are other ways of connecting people who have experiences similar to yours).

    But it doesn’t HAVE to be someone with BPD, either – just someone who’s willing to give you a bit of support when you explore the way you’re feeling, and help you when you’re feeling scared of how you might be feeling, or feeling guilty for how you might be feeling, etc.

    I’m on Twitter if you ever wanna run anything by me! It’s hard navigating this shit on your own.

    Don’t worry; it’s baby steps. No-one’s asking you to be completely 100% okay with you sharing your feelings straight away – and your psychotherapist shouldn’t either. Plan with them how you’re going to do it, and take pride in small victories. Failure is ESSENTIAL to growth; if you don’t fuck up, you don’t learn how to get over your fuck up; you don’t learn how to get better. And keep going, with trust in your heart that you’re a good person (which you can build up over time through repeated positive experiences of sharing your feelings – I know that’s working for me at the moment), and you’ll get there.

    (Which foreign language do you know/are you learning? I’m learning Spanish. It’s SUCH a good thing to do!)

    • April 25th, 2017 at 11:09 am

      Jane thank you so much for taking the time to write all this. It is so kind of you. I’m finding the blogging helps as it gives me time to formulate my thoughts.
      I’m obsessed with languages. I learned French, German and Spanish in school. I started Polish in January and currently trying to cram Slovak for a language conference. I love to greet people in their own language so dabble in many. I also NEED a crazy challenge periodically. I learned enough Mandarin in six weeks both songs and phrases to teach a basic class. I find languages keep my brain busy and so can distract me from negative thoughts unless I am really unwell.

  • September 24th, 2017 at 11:11 am

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