This week I met with some lovely people from Mind Charity. Our social worker suggested to me a befriender may help me. I left the girls at home with big lad as it is the school holidays.
I spoke to the ladies about support they could offer me. I arrived at the meeting really together, and as I we spoke about the situations in which I need support day to day I began to get upset.
I often will not acknowledge my difficulties, I simply try to ignore them and move on.
Acknowledging I am often not coping as well as I wish and I need help from others is difficult for me. I learned to do so much on my own, be self sufficient in order to survive. As a mum there is stuff that needs to be done. In the playing of that role with it’s obvious “job description” I can often function at times where on my own I could not.
At times I would have been in the place to be a befriender, now I am in a place I need one.
Looking in what I have achieved in the past, compared to what I can do now is painful. I’ve been invited to a birthday party of a family I used to work with with lots of other families I know. I even know the lady leading the party. I’ve had to decline the invitation. I’m not the person I was back then.
In acknowledging I need help, I admit I am not invincible. The “I’m not going to let this shit beat me” is something I’ve used for the last thirty odd years. Admitting I cannot do it on my own leaves me feeling vulnerable and scared. Not a place I like to be in. The thing is, if I saw a friend in need of help I would be quick to help. So maybe this is a scary new chapter of admitting I can’t make it on my own, of connecting and trusting others (eeeek)
So maybe I am ready to say…