Today at church they had a testamony service. It made me think back on my life as a christian before and now not.
I became a Christian at 15. My mindset was built on the foundation God had a purpose for my life. The suffering was for a reason. I could learn from it.
It was my anchor in some very stormy seas. I think this helped me appear as ”normal” for another nine years till I had my first breakdown at 24.
But, Christianity was also linked to fear and shame. Parts of my were not acceptable. Could not be shown to others. I masturbated, but felt so guilty about. I thought about sex a lot and craved the intimacy.
The balance between the security of faith and the way it strangled “me” was a difficult one.
Aged 40 I had my second breakdown and knew I needed to be me not who I was expected to me. I realised my sexuality was really important to me. I came to realise I want people to see me for for myself.
I am me I want to be seen for who I am. I don’t think this is compatible with the church or religion for me.
I sat through the testamonies and listened to them assign the good bits to God’s blessing and the crap bits were nowt to do with God..I can’t believe I used to be so deluded.