Difficult thoughts

“You healthily cope with your normal ranged emotions I immediately want to die at the slightest inconvenience happens. We are not the same”

This tweet caught my eye. 48 people retweeted it, Can only guess they feel the same.

“We are. I alternate being wanting to die and wanting to rage like the Hulk when the most minor of things happen.”

“I have gotten really good at keeping the reins, nowadays. But the internal battles still want to rage.”

I don’t talk about it much, but as you say it’s a very thin veneer I have on top that takes very little to shift it. The times I have been “well” and stable the thoughts of suicide and self harm never leave me.

I can’t sleep and my thoughts ruminate on ways to harm myself, how good it would feel, what a sweet relief it would be.

I’m exhausted and just need to rest and my mind turns to the bliss of escape of drifting off and not waking up again.

Logically, I love my family and the thought of leaving them without a wife and mother is awful but the thoughts don’t bear that in mind. Each day, week, month I have to find a reason to fight the destructive thoughts that rage in my head. Currently I have four days of modeling booked at the end of this month, two of which are nude, having burns on my arms would be really awkward so this stops me for now.

I try not to talk of it often is it frightens others. This is never my intention, sometimes I just want others to see how bloody exhausting it is. I don’t want pity, I don’t want solutions, I just want others to be aware.

On the whole I function as a mum, as a person day to day doing what needs to be done, making plans for the future, even when my mind reminds me I may not still be alive then. I often feel I live life with my feet in two camps. Death is always near, but that does not scare me, the chance to be with those I loved and lost once again.

People thing suicide is selfish, I think it is just that the thoughts, the demons are too difficult to ignore anymore. I become aware of how little I give to the family and the huge amount of help and support I need and feel it would be a kindness to not have the burden of me anymore. Before you jump in and tell me that is wrong, I say it becomes difficult to separate what is true from the thoughts that swirl and fill my head and leave no space for my own thinking.

I have learned to live with this on the whole, to try to manage the things which cause me stress to a point so I can keep on day after day. I have so much to live for and need to keep that in mind at all times.

This year, in April I look to moving into two day a week group therapy, really really hard work but last time afforded me a long term of stablity. My family deserve that. I’ll see how if goes.

I know this is my own ramblings but I hope the insight into my thinking has helped you see you are not alone in your struggles.
Good luck on your life journey in this New Year.