Some random Christmas reflections on where I am at the moment.
My parents have always relyed on me heavily. It’s why I moved so far to uni I think. When I said to my mum earlier this year I have become really ill she replied “I have been ill” (cold I think).
My lad ran away from home and we had to get the police involved I rung my parents as I think they wanted to know, que a lecture from my mum about how it was my fault. We went to a family wedding in February and they actually did not speak to us for the entire time there. I have a set role in my family. I have shifted from that role so they do not know how to relate to me now.
I’ve always felt my parents needed protecting and have done so. I’ve struggled with anxiety since my teens but just kept it to myself and struggled on.
My dad was always really critical, if I ever tried to open up about difficulties he would suggest a solution to try shut it down as quickly as possible.
Living so far from my parents means we do not need to interact with them, however we are still trying to keep them in contact with the kids. Their call on Christmas day to the kids, and hearing my daughter say she missed them was so painful. I do not want to keep them apart, yet in order to look after myself best I need to keep them at a distance.
I suppose this relationship is more obvious around Christmas time as it feels everyone else is spending time with family and we are not for the first time in my life.
I’m starting a course of mentalisation based therapy in January. Hopefully there I can learn how to understand and so manage my emotions. I can’t go back to to role I had with my parents anymore. My husband and children are much too important to me. I’m hoping as I learn about emotional development I will stablise in my moods a bit more and life will calm down and not be so much of a rollercoaster. We’ll have to wait and see how this affects my relationships.