Being an outsider

Being an outsider

I’m sat in church writing this.

Eighteen months ago I was a committed Christian. I was really involved in the church, I heard words from God, saw visions, had dreams shared those words of encouragement with others, sung in the church band, was totally signed up to all they believed. I had some beautiful friends who I worked together on the teams.


These words from song sum up where I was.

I am not my own

I’ve been bought at a price

Precious Lamb of God

I belong to you.


In all the belief I had, parts of me could not be acknowledged, parts of me had to be hidden. I was not really able to make my own choices. I suppose that gave me some freedom in some ways. Some decisions were made for me as “Christian’s do not do that”


As some one just spoke, they said

“It’s good to belong. Belonging means you can fit anytime.”

But what do you do when you no longer fit?


It’s an uncomfortable feeling. The feeling of having left a place but not yet arrived elsewhere, an uncomfortable journey. Some people I have known for a long time just assume I am as I always was. One was questioning my behaviour in celebrating Halloween with the children. Me, being different to the person he  had known for many years, confused and bewildered him.


I’m lucky to have found a few new traveling companions. People online who are also walking this journey. A journey to see who I am rather than who I have always been.

Any big life changes are uncomfortable.

I’m listening to a talk on sin and judgement. God will not be mocked. He will protect the honour of his name. In the cross it is a victory Christ conquers and triumphant over them by the cross. The victory of God is the way of the cross.

Soooo confused.